Mood: depressed

im sorry. sorry to everyone.

i can't handle my life anymore.
im so tired.
i dont know what to do.

slowly, day by day, im becoming more and more depressed. i feel so alone. i wish i had someone here. i need to feel loved.

things are getting out of control. family is having problems.
mom's sick.
sister's happy and a bit un-sympathetic.
brother's bringing me into his problems, as is mom and my sister.
and dad's alienated me even more.

i wont go into detail. hurts to much.
im just so tired.
im tired of being bitched at.
im tired of being ignored.
im tired of being everyone's worrier.
im tired of being a parent (even though im not).
and im tired of being taken advantage of.

i've allowed myself to slip into one of my worst depressions.
things i've blocked out before, im not letting back in. mostly memories.
i hate remembering the people ive hurt. and im so sorry.

i dont want to live like this anymore.
as much as i hate to say it, i sometimes just dont want to live.

i dont have anyone to talk to. ive tried.
family has enough to worry about, they dont need anymore stress, and even when i attempt to talk to them, they wont listen. friends dont care and if they do, most dont show it.

im sorry for letting you down.

ted im so sorry. i broke a promise to you yesterday. i promised you a long time ago i wouldnt hurt myself and yesterday, i did. im sorry.

justin, i think ive caused you the most pain. and i hate myself for that. i dont blame you if you never forgive me. im a horrible person and should rott for making you feel so bad. i owe you my life for eveyrthing i did to you. i know you say "its alright" or "dont worry about it", but its not alright and i do worry about it. im so sorry dear. you never deserved any of that shit. not one bit. you're a wonderful person. you're smart, you're caring, you're beautiful. dont let anyone tell you any different. ever. i'd give my life to change things with you. i'd give my life to take it all back.

i yet again apoligize. this is for everyone who reads this. im sorry for being dramatic. i dont expect anyone to comment. but with this entry i wanted to make a point. i wanted to say something. i wanted to use myself and generalize everything. dont take advantage of someone. dont ignore them. dont let them ignore you. talk things out. be there for your friends, because when your not for so long, it hurts.
with that said, i just mentioned i didnt expect anyone to comment on this journal. but ive lost all hope and am at the point where i need to know someone is there. i need to know if anyone even cares. i want comments but i know this will be discarded and thrown into the "normal teenage angst" pile.

now that ive ranted and have completely disgusted myself, i want to say one last thing.

dont worry. im not going to kill myself.